When I was playing this in gym, I felt like I was an old person on a cruise ship (stereotype). Sorry if I offended anyone on that, I mean do they even have shuffleboard on cruise ships? Ironically whilst on this topic, my grandparents just came back from a cruise to the Caribbean.
Going off to college soon. Freaking out, yet excited. I want to get out of high school like right now. I kind of finally understand what everyone else has been feeling. You know how people say junior year is your hardest? Well, that is sort of true due to all the AP's and SAT's and starting to research college and stuff and keeping your grades up. But I think Senior year is your hardest because you have to write your college essays, get all the paperwork done, fill out financial aid (which is so long), get your recommendations, visit colleges, research them some more, wait for the acceptances and rejections (cry!!), and then when you finally get in somewhere you're just kind of just stuck in high school.
I am not going to prom. I kind of want to go just for the experience, but tickets are so expensive and also I'm not a dance kind of person. So I would just go and eat and awkwardly be on the sidelines. No thanks. I am planning to do something much productive and fun.
Such a funny commercial
Sad news: I am "fighting" with my friend. Apparently she heard from someone that I was badmouthing her, but I wasn't ! Actually we were all sitting at the same lunch table and I happened to say her name a few times while I was talking to my other friend. And I was only using her as an example and this other person there just told her I badmouthed her when I didn't. So I emailed her to explain myself, not apologize, just to explain and guess what: no reply. Nada! Rude much?
So we haven't spoken for like a month, but we still sit next to each other at lunch, but we just ignore each other and it is horrible! I am told that she is not mad at me, but doesn't want to talk to me. Aren't those the words of unreasonable people? And doesn't that mean she is mad at me? Well now I am mad at her for being so unreasonable. Everyone keeps telling me to be the bigger person and apologize. But I did nothing wrong. I just can't be this mythical bigger person because I feel like I would be doing an injustice to myself and not to mention said friend because she can't just keep doing this to people throughout her whole life, right?
If I had truly wronged her, I would have no qualms about apologizing because then there would be a legit reason, but I seriously did nothing. And it makes no sense to give into, not going to mince words here, -------- (all the things that I want to say, but won't). I mean she does this to her mom all the time (ice her out to get her way) But, she can't always get everything that she wants, and if we can't be friends anymore, so be it, but I would like to give her a lesson that maybe she could learn from, but I seriously doubt she will. This "fight" probably hurts me way more than her. I have been forced to go to the library pretty much everyday as soon as I scarf my lunch down because I can't stand sitting there next to her or across from her. I mean she was one of my closest friends, but she does this way too often, and I am hurting pretty bad now. Though blogging about it and just writing down all the feelings that I have held inside kind of lightens the load.
And I think I have finally come to terms with it. Before I was super uber sad about it, and it would just literally haunt me before I went to sleep, but I believe I have come to terms with it. I can't change someone for who they are and I can't give up my principles on this one, she just doesn't deserve an apology.
I recently read this article on Yahoo where Michelle Obama said something about friendships. "Friendships shouldn't hurt, right? And when they do, you move on from them. You don't stay in relationships or friendships that don't make you feel good." And I think that was the clincher for me. I don't feel good about this friendship anymore, and I really question is it worth saving?
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| Random, I know |
I have had very unsuccessful friendships in the past, and even now I consider myself to not be the best friend ever because I'm not really friendly nor do I really have dynamic conversations anymore. I just seem to have run out of things to talk about. I can literally only talk about school and make awkward small talk. I used to make fun of people who would have those conversations with me, but I turned into one of them. My Goddess, when did I become such a bore? I don't know. I just did. Sigh. I seriously need hobbies, I don't have any. Very sad.
I wish I was more interesting and a better friend, but sadly I'm not. I am totally going to work on that in college though. Actually a lot of my friends are going to the same college which actually kind of sucks, though it's still nice to not be totally alone, but I kind of wanted to radically change, but if they are there I feel like I can't because they would be like, "Hey who are you?" Instead I vow to be a better person in general and more outgoing and work on public speaking and such. Learn to be a leader and what not.
I've always been afraid to change because I am literally so invisible that I thought I would just be forgotten if I changed, but I already am pretty invisible. Once my teacher kept marking me absent because she didn't notice me until like the 3rd day of school and asked me if I was in the wrong class. Embarrassing!! But I'm ready to live for real now. I'm scared of so much and I'm afraid to put myself out there. I've never done anything or go anywhere by myself. But aren't we all? Well, I have to be more independent and get over my fears. Sorry for the really long post, but I've held in a lot, and I just wanted to get it out. There are those days you cry yourself to sleep because you can't say a word of it to anyone because your afraid you will break down and cry. But I just watch my Arashi videos and laugh and smile.
Aiba said something that really struck a chord for me. He said he doesn't smile because things are enjoyable, he always smiles so that something enjoyable will come his way. That is one of the most amazing things I have ever heard. It was just so touching, and I will definitely take his advice.
It's been really cold lately and it's almost May. AP's in a week and I haven't started studying. Face palm. FYI, I added random things just to break up all the writing. Sorry about that.
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